Cara’s Blog

Most of the time I encourage shy men to see their shyness as an advantage rather than something that needs ‘curing’. But there are levels of shyness. When shyness becomes debilitating, that is it’s having a major negative impact on your life, then you need to work on it.

Shyness at that intense level is often called social phobia. And it is as excruciating as any other phobia.

My “Getting THE Girl Visualization” is an excellent place to start to offset some of the effects of this kind of shyness. I get you to relax and imagine yourself doing and saying things to a beautiful woman while you are totally relaxed and feeling calm and wonderful.

If, after using this Visualization for a few weeks, you haven’t started to feel an improvement in your ability to handle contacts with women/girls then you may need to look to other methods that can assist you.

One of my favourite techniques for overcoming any kind of emotional issue is EFT. This is kind of a pressure point process that works like acupuncture- but without the needles. I did a course in it a few years ago when I was having trouble standing up in front of people and talking about a rather painful experience I’d been through. I needed to be able to talk about this event as part of my work at the time, but every time I’d get up to talk, I’d be overwhelmed with tears. Very embarrassing for me and my audience.

I did this $500 weekend workshop. (No, I’m not suggesting you do the same! There are far cheaper ways of getting the same results, bare with me). It was fascinating learning how the process worked, and I’ll explain a little about it in a minute. But the end result is what you want to hear about first. So at the end of the course the presenter asked anyone who had an issue with speaking in public to come up. I put my hand up and went up on the stage.

Now I have no issue with public speaking at any other time. Hey, I was a teacher for years, you have to be able to talk in front of an audience when you do that for a living.

But this wasn’t the same thing. This was just about one subject. So the guy asked me to explain my situation and I got all teary and choked up just trying to tell him about my problem. He zipped into the ‘process’, running me through the different crazy little routines you have to do. Tapping your face and your chest and your hands, making your eyes look left and right, silly stuff really. Then he measured my level of anxiety about my subject. It had come down already but wasn’t gone.

He ran through a few more sets (we are talking about a few minutes at the most for these processes- it’s so simple you really can’t see how it COULD work), then asked me how I was feeling. My anxiety had gone.

He asked me to prove it, turning to the audience with a flourish. Now the audience had be watching my process all the way through (the whole 3 or 4 minutes) but I hadn’t really talked about my issue. I’d only got upset when I mentioned I had this issue.

So actually talking to the audience about my ’stuff’ was a true test of the effectiveness of this EFT process. I glanced at the audience and started to work out what to say. There were no welling tears. I started to talk about my tragedy, and although I spoke with feeling, there was no overwhelming emotions to embarrass me. I was in control. It really worked.

I went on to regularly talk about my past as part of my work and never had a moment’s unease about it. I was totally emotionally in control whenever the subject came up.

I was so impressed that I tried the process on my son who was afraid of the dark. ( Yes, another one of my deep dark secrets is out. I have a son) We ran through the process a few times, and he thought it was stupid but did it to please his crazy mum.

He never slept with the light on from that night on.

So, I think I can safely recommend this process to you if you have shyness that is stopping you from really enjoying your life.

I’m going to put a little link in here to a site that produces some excellent videos of the EFT process. They’re very cheap and are as good as doing it face to face with someone.

EFT Video Coaching at www.myGenie.tv

Try the social phobia video. It’s an instant dowload and it costs about $10. You will pay a little less if you don’t take the Pay Pal option. And it’s not so much messing about.

There are some excellent people out there doing this stuff, but I find the myGenie people really no-nonsense. And being able to watch a how-to vid in the privacy of you own home, is a lot less embarrassing than doing all this crazy tapping with someone watching!

So, give it a try. It’s gotta be better than what you’re living with at the moment. But don’t get rid of your shyness completely- remember, a lot of us women find shy guys very appealing!

x Cara

PS Go on do it- what have you got to lose except your fears? EFT Video Coaching at www.myGenie.tv

This is just a celebratory post. I have had my first email from a reader, my first purchase of an audio, and my first sign-up for the rest of my secrets. All from different people! Which means that people are seeing my site. And they are taking action, which is what all the experts tell me is very important.

For me it’s like an amazing break-through. I’ve always done well in my coaching, teaching and training work. But that was all face to face. This is the first time I’ve had to set up a ’shop front’, as it were, and attract people who didn’t know me, to give me a go.

That I seem to be getting somewhere is very heartening. I’ve spent so long getting this site ready to go live. And now I’m getting the results. I’m getting shy guys to pay attention to what I have to say,  hopefully follow through, so they get the girls who are out there waiting for them. Because of me! Or maybe I should say, because of my help. Really, if you shy guys get the girl, it will be because of YOU, not me. But I’ll still get a buzz out of knowing I’ve been useful to you.

So, here’s to you, my first shy guys!Thank you! And to the rest of you who will follow by finding my site and liking what you find! Thank you too!

I’ve been reading some great Comments on Disqus (.com for those who don’t know it) It started years ago from a personal blog where I guy was damning ‘nice guys’, more precisely bitter ‘nice guys’. The original on a site called Shakesville really went to town on these guys (he saw himself as an ex one),calling them wingers only angry because they put in a lot of time and effort on a woman only to have her not come across because she saw him as a nice guy.

There were so many threads for this story that I realised this guy had really touched on a nerve, on both sides of the sexual divide. And the comments have continued to rage on, right up till the present. I would love to have been able to put my 2 bits worth in, but although I joined up, I couldn’t work out how to comment. (Newbie strikes again)

So I decided to write my own comment on my blog just so I got my say.

In my Secrets I talk about Women loving men who love women. I think that this thread of comments really shows this very well. The frustration of women who find out what they thought was genuine affection, wasn’t anything more than another ‘ploy’ to get into her pants. And the resentment experienced by men when they perceive they’ve missed out on the doggie treats after jumping through all the women’s hoops. They put their failure down to being Nice Guys, as opposed to Bad Boys.

I explained why some women go for these Bad Boys in my Secrets. So I won’t repeat myself here. And this isn’t what’s really going on here anyway.

I’ve known a few guys who’ve made a habit of becoming ‘best friends’ with hot girls. They play at friendship with the hope that one night when they’re drunk and vulnerable they’ll drop their guard and have sex with their ‘friend’ (even if they have a boyfriend or husband already).

I don’t think they know what they’re doing. I don’t think it’s a conscious thought to offer friendship with the expectation of sex, somewhere down the line. But I think it’s there.

I noticed it when I was married. (Yes, guys I was married for quite a few years way back when- to a ‘nice guy’ who was also a ’shy guy’. I wasn’t giving you hype when I said I like shy men. I’ve always liked shy men!) I had what I considered really good male friends. People I shared with, cried with, hung out when I was bored with. You know, ‘friends’. And although they were friends with my husband as well,he was an ‘add on’ because of his relationship with me.

Now that’s how girl-friendships usually work. I never thought it was any different with guys. Until one of my friends found himself a lady. I was so happy for him. Really happy. And I accepted that I didn’t see him much after that, because that’s also what happens with friends when they’re in the throws of first love.

But here’s the deal. This ‘friend’ started treating me like an aquaintance. When we were out anywhere he’d be all buddy buddy with my husband and treat ME like the ‘add on’.

I didn’t get it. I wondered if I’d said or done something to upset him. But no, it wasn’t that. In the end I just had to give up and let it go. Wrote it off to the inexplicable vagueries of friendship.

Until it happened again. And again. Then, when I was once more single, I got a new male friend who was being the ‘friend’ to an unattainable girl (his best mate’s girlfriend). And I listened to what was going on for him. What he really wanted!

So now I understand that falling for the unattainable is just a way to keep from getting involved. By pining after a girl who did nothing but treat them as a ‘mate’ (and I don’t mean that in sexual terms), then their day-dreams could remain untarnished.

A few days ago I wrote about following your dreams. I think this is a warped version of that. While ever they were following me or some other unattainable girl, these guys had a direction. That it wasn’t going to happen, really didn’t matter, because they were  enjoying the journey. When they were ready to get a new dream they’d pick a girl that was attainable and move on. But they usually had to justify moving on, in their own minds, by resenting the unattainable girl.

It’s not really a question of being ‘nice’ or not. It’s about the different kinds of relationships you can have with a person. Sometimes people see it as ’settling’ for friendship when you want more. But it’s not that at all. It’s like saying you settle for a sister when you want more, or a son, or a father. They’re all categories of love. One is not necessarily better or more than another. They are just different.

And if I woman or girl sees you as her friend, then you are damned lucky. You’ll probably last far longer than any of her boyfriends. But don’t think that you’ll change categories the more indispensible to her you become. She might love you more because of what you do for her, but the type of love won’t change. And mostly, you don’t want it to change anyway. Really, deep down.

Think about the girls you are ‘friends’ or ‘mates’ with who you suspect ‘like’ you, but you don’t like them back- that way … because … well … just because.  I rest my case!

To many people, being in front of an adoring crowd would be the most wonderful experience in the world. To have thousands of people clapping and whistling and chanting their name would give them a high that would be hard to beat.

But to others, the very thought of being Centre Stage, under the Spotlight, is torturous. They’d rather have teeth pulled, without anaesthetic!

Shy guys often fall into this last category. It’s part of that ‘don’t stand out’ mechanism that you know works to keep you safe. And being centre stage is very unsafe. Perfect spot to cop a rotten tomato in the face!

But at the same time as you’re taking three steps away from that spotlight, there’s another part of you that is trying to push you into it. The part that wants you to be loved and surrounded by adoring fans. The part of you that wants you to get THE Girl.

So here’s the dilemma: you want to come out of the shy guy shadows so that the girls notice you, but you don’t want to attract attention because it might be negative attention.

And even if it’s not, sometimes getting nice things happen can push you way out of your comfort zone and that creates a lot of anxiety. And angst is not good.

So what do you do about it? That’s where I step in. My 60 minute visualization ‘Getting THE Girl’ actually gets you to imagine yourself on centre stage under a spotlight. And only good stuff happens. Really good stuff.

The first time you try the visualization you might have a negative reaction to this scene. It might be anything but relaxing and pleasant. But that’s what getting your body really relaxed first is all about. Scientists have found that you can’t think anxious and have a relaxed body. They go together. The mind/body connection.

So by getting really relaxed physically, and then imagining yourself in a situation like centre stage, with lots of positive stimulus, you start to get used to the situation. You can’t help but be relaxed about it. You start feeling comfortable in that place, getting all that wonderful attention.

And once you get comfortable with it in your mind, then when you put yourself in far less dramatic situations where you attract attention (let’s face it, not many of us will ever have the chance to really be centre stage getting that sort of audience response!) it will feel like a piece of cake. You can handle being Centre Stage. In fact you may come to like it.

But you don’t have to go that far. You just have to have your negative predictions replaced with positive ones, so your brain can’t set your body into ‘lock down’ or ‘fight or flight’ to deal with a perceived danger.

And if you aren’t on high-alert you can think and react normally. And attract the attention of that pretty girl on the other side of the room. Because, when you notice she’s looking at you, you won’t react in your usual way. Instead of immediately thinking she’s only looking at you because you’re odd, you’ll be so used to getting admiring glances you’ll smile back. Without thinking about it. Yes, it’ll be totally automatic. No thought involved. You’ll just smile back.

And it’ll feel easy. And it’ll feel good. And you’ll want more. So you’ll go talk to her. And that’ll be easy too, because you’re brain is used to this too. And if by some fluke of chance she actually was looking at you because your fly was undone or your shirt was not in this season’s colours, you won’t care.

Why not? Because you’re used to people admiring you, and when one doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Or you actually start wondering what’s wrong with her? 

No, this is not living in a fool’s paradise. This is how confident people think. They expect a good reaction from the people they approach because that’s what they usually get. And when it doesn’t happen that way they come up with a reason for it that doesn’t make it their fault.

That’s the difference between you and them at the moment. While nothing is ever their fault, everything is always your fault. And I mean everything. And if being a little more like the confident guy is what’s needed, then that’s what you have to do. Or it really will be your fault!

So, if you get my visualization audio and play it once and have a panic attack being under the spotlight, you will need to do some heavy duty self-talk to get yourself listening to it again, and again, and again, until you can stand there and take all that admiration.

Just remember. The confident guy who usually goes home with the girl would have no trouble standing in the limelight.

And doing it my way is a heck of a lot more fun and safe than doing it for real over and over again. That’s the only other way you’d get comfortable attracting attention. At least with me guiding your journey there is absolutely no chance you’ll get pelted with tomatoes, unless you’re doing the pelting yourself! Think about it.

Watch this one it’s seriously fun!

Body Language to Attract Girls

Well I’m proud of them anyway. This is such fun!

My 1st Secrets for Shy Guy Success 

Shy Can Be Cool!

I’ve spent my life in relationships of all kinds, as all of us have. Some have been superficial, others deep and meaningful. Some have lasted my whole life, like my relationship with my parents. Others have been brief, ships passing in the night.

It doesn’t matter what the nature, or the depth, or the length of a relationship is. It just matters that we have them. Because we are communal creatures. We were never meant to exist in isolation.

Some of us seem to have a stronger need for relationships than others. I seem to be one of those people who doesn’t need a lot of relationships. But those I do have mean a lot to me.

I am happiest when I’m involved in a creative project. That’s introvert work. I’ve changed over the years. I used to be much more of an extrovert. For any of you who don’t know what the real difference is between those two is, I’ll explain: an introvert gets his/her energy from being alone; an extrovert gets his/her energy from being with people.

Most of us are not one or the other, but exist on a continuum that moves backward and forward along the line between the extremes. If we’re sick or hurt, we’ll move toward the introvert end of the spectrum. If we’re happy and confident we’re more likely to move toward the extrovert end.

But it isn’t a measure of happiness.Don’t get me wrong. Just because we become more introverted when unhappy doesn’t mean that introverts aren’t happy. That’s not the case at all. If you’re naturally introverted then you will be happiest when you are allowed to be alone doing your thing.

And just because you’re out and about mixing and mingling doesn’t mean an extrovert is happy. They may be energised but totally miserable.

Anway, I’ve digressed. But I guess that’s what reflecting is all about. Digression.

What I was talking about was that I seem to have changed over the years. I seem to be much more introverted than I was when I was younger. And I don’t know why. Was this my natural maturation process? Or have I just become so sensitive to other people’s energy that I just prefer to protect myself from it by keeping my distance?

Hope that’s not too New Agey for you. You will get that with me, I’m afraid. It’s how I experience life. If I wanted to look at my astrology chart I could see why I have this inner perspective. Why I’m so fascinated by what happens inside people more than what happens outside.

That’s why I like shy man. They always make me want to know what’s going on inside. And I know I’m not alone with this feeling. I’ve heard a lot of deep women talk the same way.

Most people tend to think that ‘what they see is what they get’ with me. Because I’m very out-going and confident when I’m with people (until my batteries run flat and I have to go recharge on my own). And to a certain point that’s probably true. But there is a heck of a lot that goes on beneath the surface with me.

And when I think about it, some shy guys aren’t a lot more than ‘what you see is what you get’. You think that because you can’t see what’s beneath the surface, there must be a lot going on there. And when you explore for a bit you find that, no, there isn’t. They are fairly superficial. That’s not an insult. It’s not a good thing to be deep and a bad thing not to be. But I’m into deep and so I need people who are deep too.

Sometimes I think that maybe I also need shallow as well, just so I don’t get too intense all the time. But shallow doesn’t cut it with me for long. Nice place to visit but it ain’t home.

I tend to think that if you’re reading this, then you’re a shy guy who’s not shallow. Actually, after some of the research I’ve been doing lately, I’m discovering that there are probably a lot less superficial shy guys than superficial out-going guys. Research seems to indicate that it’s the very depths of our sensitivity that tends to make people prone to shyness. And intelligence is also a factor. No brain no pain, is turning out to be truer than we probably all thought it was.

But I’m not shy anymore. Well, rarely. I’ve worked very hard over a lot of years to ‘cure’ myself. But maybe the energy it takes to be ‘out there’, confident and bubbly, is the reason my energy depletes so quickly. Maybe I’m a deep sea diver and going into water is something I can do, and feel comfortable doing, but it’s not my natural habitat, so I have to come up for air- sooner or later.

Hmmm…interesting.

So you want to get a certain girl- THE girl, and you’re looking for advice on how to do that. Well the first step is to get my 60 minute Guided Visualization to help you!

That is not just me being blatantly promotional, it’s the best advice I can offer. Really! That’s why I made the audio and took all the hours I did to get it to a stage where it would be useful to guys like you. It isn’t perfect. Unfortunately I’m not up to the hiring a professional sound studio to make my products. But it will do the job, and as long as you don’t find anything distracting in it.

I describe my approach as ‘moving you out of the Shy Guy Shadows’ so THE girl can see you properly, maybe for the first time!

For a lot of shy men the idea of being in the spotlight like this is downright terrifying! I really get that. Why do you think they use spotlights in interrogation rooms?

But if you want to get THE girl or woman, then you are going to have to face your fears. You are going to have to learn to be brave in this area of your life. I was just going to say ‘brave’ and leave it at that. But then I realised that some of the bravest men I’ve known over the years- guys who risked their lives to save others on a regular basis- were actually not particularly brave when it came to women.

It all comes down to your comfort zone. You might be perfectly happy running into a burning building to save a child. But going to a trendy party and making small talk to gorgeous women may turn your guts to mush.

That’s because you feel comfortable and in control, knowing what to do in the burning building because you’ve been trained and you’ve done it a hundred times before. But you are out of your comfort zone when you are doing something that isn’t familiar and you haven’t been trained for. On top of that, you may well have had some really bad experiences with women, but not with burning buildings, so those experiences just add to the fear quotient.

Get my point?

So what you have to do is train and get experience- positive experience- in this area of your life, so it becomes part of your comfort zone!

That’s what Visualization can do for you.

The brain is really smart, but it’s also really stupid in some ways. It can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Really! So if you imagine yourself doing something in perfect detail, over and over again, your brain thinks you are doing whatever it is, over and over again. And as it doesn’t see any bad experiences from this event, it’ll stop pressing the panic button when you get into these situations that are currently outside your comfort zone.

This process is quite involved. It isn’t just a matter of going into a nice fantasy world where everything  is lovely. You have to get inside your brain’s inner workings to achieve the desired results.

I can give you some advice on some good self-hypnosis programs if you want. But as far as I know there aren’t any that are specifically designed for one purpose- Building your confidence with women. That’s what mine is designed to do. That’s why I made it.

Go to www.shyguysfriend.com/getgirl and read more about what my audio will do for you. I’m told my voice is very soothing and sensual, so even that should make for a pleasant experience, as long as you like an Aussie accent.  Enjoy!