So, knowing thereare  still guys out there who are reading my postings I thought I’d write another. This one comes from the heart, as I am living this myself in a big way!

It’s very easy to get down-hearted about Life. The more sensitive you are, the easier it is. Sometimes you look around at the world and everyone else but you seems to be successful and happy. Othertimes, you look around and you’re overwelmed by what a mess people’s lives seem to be. Both, strangely enough, make you feel more despondant.

What’s the answer? Putting into practise what you have learned, every day. Not just when you feel like it. Every day!

Take one of my ideas from the secrets that are up on the site, (I can’t find the rest. They’ve disappeared into the void that is my computer’s filing system), or in my Ezine articles, and put it into practise. Keep a log of what you do and the results. Sort of like a science experiment.

For instance, go join a class or group that you know women will attend. Write it down as your activity for that day. Go out and people watch for an hour and record what behaviours seem to work for men. That’s another day’s activity. Or more than one day, if you seem to be picking up some good tips.

Join an on-line dating site and send out complimentary emails to women who attract your attention. I get some really nice emails from guys on the site I’m on. I also gets some terrible ones too. Hint: Its not enough to just say hello, or send out a blanket email and hope someone replies.  You have to make an effort with each and every email.

Look at the lady and see what appeals to you about her. Then email her and just tell her what attracted you. (No, I don’t mean -you’ve got great tits! Be nice!) She may answer or she may not, but if you’ve paid someone a compliment that day, log it in your book.

You never know when Miss Right might get your compliment and reply. And you never know what down-hearted lady will be picked up a little by your comment (like I am with the comments on this Blog when I get them).

Making someone feel good makes you feel good!

Keep at it! Do something every day to move your Life toward the goals you have set. No exceptions. If something isn’t working, try something else. Ask for advice from your girl-friends. Keep at it!

This is what I have to do everyday to move my life forward. This is what everyone has to do to move their life forward! Even the megarich and famous people.

So, what have you done today to make your life(or someone else’s) better? You’ll be amazed how much more otpimistic you’ll feel if you just DO something positive!

Thanks to you guys who have written to me and let me know that I haven’t been wasting my time sharing my knowledge with you. As I’ve said often, nice guys need a chance to step out of the shy guy shadows, so great girls can see them. My aim has always been to give you ideas about how you could do that. Not all my advice works all the time, with every girl. But neither does the garbage a lot of the so-called gurus of dating give you.

I plan to keep this Blog going. As any new ideas come to mind, I’ll jot them down here. I’ll try to keep giving you insights into how we girls think, and how you can get you want while giving us what we really need.

Don’t get disheartened. Don’t give up. She may well be just around the next corner. Maybe feeling disheartened too, and looking down, so she doesn’t see you. If you aren’t looking up you’ll miss her. And you’ll pass each other without even realising just what you you missed out on…

x Cara

Relationships are not easy. I don’t care if their romantic or sibling or workmate relationships. They are all mine fields. I think this is because we all put so much importance on every little thing that is said or done. We often read more into it than is actually there.

Well women do anyway. Supposedly you guys don’t. For us, a silence of any length means that there’s something wrong. And usually that ‘the something wrong’ is us. We go back through the most recent interactions and look for clues as to what we said or did wrong.

We ask you, ‘What’s wrong?’ And you say ‘Nothing’, but we know there is and we big it up until it’s a mountain.

I never understood this phenomenon until I read ‘Men are from Mars…etc’ and Gray says that what ‘Nothing’ actually means is…’Nothing I feel like talking about right now…’

If that’s the case, if that’s actually what you mean, then we women will go into even deeper levels of paranoia. ‘Why don’t you want to talk about it now? What have we done that’s so bad that you don’t want to talk about it now?’ We exhaust ourselves trying to work it out.

The down side for you guys in all this is that when you finally feel like talking about it, or have gotten over whatever has upset you…and it maynot have been us… we may very well have gone.

You see, we can’t live with that sort of silence. ‘Nothing’ is a BIG deal to us. And if we get too many ‘Nothings’ then our anxiety reaches a peak where we burn out … and stop feeling and/or we go elsewhere. And that’s when you guys usually go ‘What happened? What did I say?’

We women are pretty good at body language, which makes it seem like we’re mind readers. But we aren’t. And we’re egocentric enough to think that if you’ve got a problem, then it has to be with us. You’re the centre of our world, so we assume we are the centre of yours.

So if you care for her, and want her to hang around, tell her when something is eating at you. You don’t have to get into details if you don’t want. But just let her off the hook.

When she says ‘What’s wrong?’ use it as a cue to work out what you are feeling in that moment… and tell her, even if it’s just ‘ Nothing much, just tired.’ Or ‘Bad day at work…don’t want to talk about it. Just want to forget it.’

You have to add the last little bit because she’ll try to get you to talk about it, because she knows she feels better after talking about a problem. She therefore thinks you will too. And maybe she’s right. But that’s your choice. So tell her what you want to do about it, and once she ‘gets’ that, she’ll feel OK.

If she’s done something- and there are times she has annoyed or angered you- tell her so, if it’s something that is really important. If you’re just in a bad mood and tetchy then tell her that too. ‘Could you stop talking for a while, I’m in a really lousey mood and can’t handle the talking thing right now…’

You may think she’ll get upset if you tell her, and she will, a bit. But she’d rather know that not know what’s bugging you. She will try to fix it if she knows. She can’t if she doesn’t.

I’m not sure why this has come up as a topic for this blog. I guess its just one of the biggies I see that get in the way of perfectly good relationships. Relationships of any kind. And if you want them to continue… even the kind of relationship you have with me here on this site…then silence or ‘Nothing’ may mean you lose something you really value…

Think about it…

x Cara

The fact is, it feels like I have no life outside this site. My body is just not used to the hours I spent bent over this keyboard. This week my neck went into spasm, a nerve got trapped. I had to get my massage therapist to let it loose again. It’s still not perfect. I wonder what I’m being stiff necked about. Could it be this site?

Now my fingers are starting to seize up. RSI?

And for what? A dream! A dream that I can help make life better for men who would rather stay hidden in the shadows than come out and be found by eager women.

A dream that I could create a place that offered men better advice than what men could offer about women.

A dream that people would actually pay me for my help ( as they do in the real world).

A lot of dreams. A lot of pain. And nothing to show for it.

But I’ll push through the Dip for a little longer. But sooner or later I’m going to have to admit defeat. You can’t help people if they don’t WANT your help. That’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way many times before.

If there is anyone out there reading my posts, could you please leave a comment. Just a hey, I’m reading your Blogs. It would help my flagging spirits a great deal.

x cara

The girl treated him like he was something she’d stepped in. And it reminded me of times I’d seen something similar happen in pubs and clubs.

One time it was a new friend of mine who did it. She was gorgeous, and the guys were buzzing like flies. One rather cocky young guy was persistant, and she seemed to be interested. Then she turned on him and made some scaithing comment that sent him away, dazed, with his tail between his legs.

I was horrified and asked her what she’d done that for. She said, ‘You can’t let guys stake their territory or you’ll be stuck with them all night.’

‘OK, so you didn’t like him. Why did you have to be so nasty about it?’ I asked, as confused as the guy who had just left.

‘Because it’s quick and they get the message.’

Needless to say, I stopped the friendship. I don’t have time for people who are thoughtlessly cruel. Not only do they hurt people, but women who do this give the rest of us a bad name and make it even harder for guys to come up and talk to us.

So please, don’t give up on women just because you may have experienced one or more of these nasty knock-backs. There are jerks on both sides of the sexual divide.

Maybe you should take a leaf from our book. We make guys prove to us they aren’t jerks before we take them seriously. And so, reserve judgement until the woman shows you she’s a nice person. If she shows you she’s a jerk by using a nasty knock-back, to you or someone else, see her for what she is and walk away. Don’t take it personally.

And if you are getting a lot of these kind of knock-backs maybe you need to reconsider the type of woman you are attracted to, or the way you approach them. Maybe you’re trying to hard, or you’re role modelling jerks. Girls consider themselves well within their rights to act like a jerk if I guy is behaving like a jerk.

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Shy people who have an extrovert personality often have to develop ways to get what they want. Ways to cope with their vulnerability and fear so they can be with people.

For those who think that an extrovert is an out-going person and an introvert is a quiet person, let me give you a more accurate definition. An extrovert is a person who gets energy from being with people. An introvert gets his energy from being alone. That often means the extrovert IS out-going. He has to be out there with people, interacting with them, to charge his batteries.

The introvert, on the other hand, is quite happy to sit on the side-lines, saying little, because he’ll get his batteries charged later, when he’s at home watching TV or playing Xbox, on his own. If he’s shy, then he doesn’t have to stress himself out by getting out there and risking rejection. He may not feel good about himself for being shy, but he does OK.

On the other hand, the extrovert has to be out there with people or he feels drained and unhappy. Too much time on his own and this guy becomes stressed to the eyeballs. It’s not that he feels better about himself when he’s centre of the crowd, it’s that that’s the only place he can lift his spirits.

But there’s a Catch 22 in this for the extrovert. To be centre of attention means you risk drawing negative reactions from people. And the shy person has a very thin skin. It hurts the shy guy a lot more to suffer any sort of rejection than it does a non-shy person. Even a minor slight like someone turning away to talk to someone else, is more painful than the situation warrants.

Scientists have found that shy people have a very over-active part of the brain: the part that controls our adrenalin. So when a shy person is in a new situation they over-react to that situation. It feels more dangerous than it probably is. Shy people are also more sensitive in other areas of their life too. And they are usually more intelligent and focused than their counterparts. (There are some very big pluses in being naturally shy.)

I met a guy who was a professional comedian not so long ago. He was an absolute crack-up. People loved him. He found it easy to get women into bed. He seemed to have the perfect life. To everyone else.

In private, he confided to me that he wanted to get into a committed relationship. He was tired of the ‘one night stand’ life-style. He was lonely.
But women didn’t want more than sex from him, he said. None of them took him seriously. He ‘used to be’ shy he told me, but then he’d taken up comedy, and had learned to be a showman. He’d overcome his shyness.

But the sad fact was that he hadn’t. He was a shy extrovert who had created a great mask behind which he could hide very successfully. But his natural shyness meant that he couldn’t come out from behind the mask, especially in vulnerable situations like romance, where rejection is even more dangerous.

So he stayed behind his clown’s mask, lonely but safe. Just like his introvert brother sitting in the corner. Coping with life but not fully living it.

There are ways to come to terms with shyness. There are ways to find love and happiness. It isn’t a lost cause. Understanding what you are doing, on an unconscious level is the first step. Awareness is always the first step to a better life. Are you willing to take that first step?