Cara’s Blog

I sent out my last broadcast to my email list yesterday. Aweber, the automated email system I use, won’t close down till the beginning of next month, so it means those guys that are still making their way through the Secrets will continue getting them until then. It means I have a bit of time to get the Secrets up on the site for anyone new to read.

Thanks to you guys who have written to me and let me know that I haven’t been wasting my time sharing my knowledge with you. As I’ve said often, nice guys need a chance to step out of the shy guy shadows, so great girls can see them. My aim has always been to give you ideas about how you could do that. Not all my advice works all the time, with every girl. But neither does the garbage a lot of the so-called gurus of dating give you.

I plan to keep this Blog going. As any new ideas come to mind, I’ll jot them down here. I’ll try to keep giving you insights into how we girls think, and how you can get you want while giving us what we really need.

Don’t get disheartened. Don’t give up. She may well be just around the next corner. Maybe feeling disheartened too, and looking down, so she doesn’t see you. If you aren’t looking up you’ll miss her. And you’ll pass each other without even realising just what you you missed out on…

x Cara

I haven’t written a blog for quite some time. I get to feeling I’m wasting my time. Then I get a lovely little comment like Arthur’s, and a few others who actually give me the feedback I ask for at the end of my ‘Secrets’, and I feel energised to write again.

Relationships are not easy. I don’t care if their romantic or sibling or workmate relationships. They are all mine fields. I think this is because we all put so much importance on every little thing that is said or done. We often read more into it than is actually there.

Well women do anyway. Supposedly you guys don’t. For us, a silence of any length means that there’s something wrong. And usually that ‘the something wrong’ is us. We go back through the most recent interactions and look for clues as to what we said or did wrong.

We ask you, ‘What’s wrong?’ And you say ‘Nothing’, but we know there is and we big it up until it’s a mountain.

I never understood this phenomenon until I read ‘Men are from Mars…etc’ and Gray says that what ‘Nothing’ actually means is…’Nothing I feel like talking about right now…’

If that’s the case, if that’s actually what you mean, then we women will go into even deeper levels of paranoia. ‘Why don’t you want to talk about it now? What have we done that’s so bad that you don’t want to talk about it now?’ We exhaust ourselves trying to work it out.

The down side for you guys in all this is that when you finally feel like talking about it, or have gotten over whatever has upset you…and it maynot have been us… we may very well have gone.

You see, we can’t live with that sort of silence. ‘Nothing’ is a BIG deal to us. And if we get too many ‘Nothings’ then our anxiety reaches a peak where we burn out … and stop feeling and/or we go elsewhere. And that’s when you guys usually go ‘What happened? What did I say?’

We women are pretty good at body language, which makes it seem like we’re mind readers. But we aren’t. And we’re egocentric enough to think that if you’ve got a problem, then it has to be with us. You’re the centre of our world, so we assume we are the centre of yours.

So if you care for her, and want her to hang around, tell her when something is eating at you. You don’t have to get into details if you don’t want. But just let her off the hook.

When she says ‘What’s wrong?’ use it as a cue to work out what you are feeling in that moment… and tell her, even if it’s just ‘ Nothing much, just tired.’ Or ‘Bad day at work…don’t want to talk about it. Just want to forget it.’

You have to add the last little bit because she’ll try to get you to talk about it, because she knows she feels better after talking about a problem. She therefore thinks you will too. And maybe she’s right. But that’s your choice. So tell her what you want to do about it, and once she ‘gets’ that, she’ll feel OK.

If she’s done something- and there are times she has annoyed or angered you- tell her so, if it’s something that is really important. If you’re just in a bad mood and tetchy then tell her that too. ‘Could you stop talking for a while, I’m in a really lousey mood and can’t handle the talking thing right now…’

You may think she’ll get upset if you tell her, and she will, a bit. But she’d rather know that not know what’s bugging you. She will try to fix it if she knows. She can’t if she doesn’t.

I’m not sure why this has come up as a topic for this blog. I guess its just one of the biggies I see that get in the way of perfectly good relationships. Relationships of any kind. And if you want them to continue… even the kind of relationship you have with me here on this site…then silence or ‘Nothing’ may mean you lose something you really value…

Think about it…

x Cara

This is a whinge session, so don’t read it if you want to maintain the belief that I am some pontificating guru who has no life outside this site.

The fact is, it feels like I have no life outside this site. My body is just not used to the hours I spent bent over this keyboard. This week my neck went into spasm, a nerve got trapped. I had to get my massage therapist to let it loose again. It’s still not perfect. I wonder what I’m being stiff necked about. Could it be this site?

Now my fingers are starting to seize up. RSI?

And for what? A dream! A dream that I can help make life better for men who would rather stay hidden in the shadows than come out and be found by eager women.

A dream that I could create a place that offered men better advice than what men could offer about women.

A dream that people would actually pay me for my help ( as they do in the real world).

A lot of dreams. A lot of pain. And nothing to show for it.

But I’ll push through the Dip for a little longer. But sooner or later I’m going to have to admit defeat. You can’t help people if they don’t WANT your help. That’s a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way many times before.

If there is anyone out there reading my posts, could you please leave a comment. Just a hey, I’m reading your Blogs. It would help my flagging spirits a great deal.

x cara

I was watching a TV show today where a guy approached a pretty woman at the bar and tried to chat her up. He wasn’t much to look at but he had plenty of confidence.

The girl treated him like he was something she’d stepped in. And it reminded me of times I’d seen something similar happen in pubs and clubs.

One time it was a new friend of mine who did it. She was gorgeous, and the guys were buzzing like flies. One rather cocky young guy was persistant, and she seemed to be interested. Then she turned on him and made some scaithing comment that sent him away, dazed, with his tail between his legs.

I was horrified and asked her what she’d done that for. She said, ‘You can’t let guys stake their territory or you’ll be stuck with them all night.’

‘OK, so you didn’t like him. Why did you have to be so nasty about it?’ I asked, as confused as the guy who had just left.

‘Because it’s quick and they get the message.’

Needless to say, I stopped the friendship. I don’t have time for people who are thoughtlessly cruel. Not only do they hurt people, but women who do this give the rest of us a bad name and make it even harder for guys to come up and talk to us.

So please, don’t give up on women just because you may have experienced one or more of these nasty knock-backs. There are jerks on both sides of the sexual divide.

Maybe you should take a leaf from our book. We make guys prove to us they aren’t jerks before we take them seriously. And so, reserve judgement until the woman shows you she’s a nice person. If she shows you she’s a jerk by using a nasty knock-back, to you or someone else, see her for what she is and walk away. Don’t take it personally.

And if you are getting a lot of these kind of knock-backs maybe you need to reconsider the type of woman you are attracted to, or the way you approach them. Maybe you’re trying to hard, or you’re role modelling jerks. Girls consider themselves well within their rights to act like a jerk if I guy is behaving like a jerk.

I’ve been reading some great Comments on Disqus (.com for those who don’t know it) It started years ago from a personal blog where I guy was damning ‘nice guys’, more precisely bitter ‘nice guys’. The original on a site called Shakesville really went to town on these guys (he saw himself as an ex one),calling them wingers only angry because they put in a lot of time and effort on a woman only to have her not come across because she saw him as a nice guy.

There were so many threads for this story that I realised this guy had really touched on a nerve, on both sides of the sexual divide. And the comments have continued to rage on, right up till the present. I would love to have been able to put my 2 bits worth in, but although I joined up, I couldn’t work out how to comment. (Newbie strikes again)

So I decided to write my own comment on my blog just so I got my say.

In my Secrets I talk about Women loving men who love women. I think that this thread of comments really shows this very well. The frustration of women who find out what they thought was genuine affection, wasn’t anything more than another ‘ploy’ to get into her pants. And the resentment experienced by men when they perceive they’ve missed out on the doggie treats after jumping through all the women’s hoops. They put their failure down to being Nice Guys, as opposed to Bad Boys.

I explained why some women go for these Bad Boys in my Secrets. So I won’t repeat myself here. And this isn’t what’s really going on here anyway.

I’ve known a few guys who’ve made a habit of becoming ‘best friends’ with hot girls. They play at friendship with the hope that one night when they’re drunk and vulnerable they’ll drop their guard and have sex with their ‘friend’ (even if they have a boyfriend or husband already).

I don’t think they know what they’re doing. I don’t think it’s a conscious thought to offer friendship with the expectation of sex, somewhere down the line. But I think it’s there.

I noticed it when I was married. (Yes, guys I was married for quite a few years way back when- to a ‘nice guy’ who was also a ’shy guy’. I wasn’t giving you hype when I said I like shy men. I’ve always liked shy men!) I had what I considered really good male friends. People I shared with, cried with, hung out when I was bored with. You know, ‘friends’. And although they were friends with my husband as well,he was an ‘add on’ because of his relationship with me.

Now that’s how girl-friendships usually work. I never thought it was any different with guys. Until one of my friends found himself a lady. I was so happy for him. Really happy. And I accepted that I didn’t see him much after that, because that’s also what happens with friends when they’re in the throws of first love.

But here’s the deal. This ‘friend’ started treating me like an aquaintance. When we were out anywhere he’d be all buddy buddy with my husband and treat ME like the ‘add on’.

I didn’t get it. I wondered if I’d said or done something to upset him. But no, it wasn’t that. In the end I just had to give up and let it go. Wrote it off to the inexplicable vagueries of friendship.

Until it happened again. And again. Then, when I was once more single, I got a new male friend who was being the ‘friend’ to an unattainable girl (his best mate’s girlfriend). And I listened to what was going on for him. What he really wanted!

So now I understand that falling for the unattainable is just a way to keep from getting involved. By pining after a girl who did nothing but treat them as a ‘mate’ (and I don’t mean that in sexual terms), then their day-dreams could remain untarnished.

A few days ago I wrote about following your dreams. I think this is a warped version of that. While ever they were following me or some other unattainable girl, these guys had a direction. That it wasn’t going to happen, really didn’t matter, because they were  enjoying the journey. When they were ready to get a new dream they’d pick a girl that was attainable and move on. But they usually had to justify moving on, in their own minds, by resenting the unattainable girl.

It’s not really a question of being ‘nice’ or not. It’s about the different kinds of relationships you can have with a person. Sometimes people see it as ’settling’ for friendship when you want more. But it’s not that at all. It’s like saying you settle for a sister when you want more, or a son, or a father. They’re all categories of love. One is not necessarily better or more than another. They are just different.

And if I woman or girl sees you as her friend, then you are damned lucky. You’ll probably last far longer than any of her boyfriends. But don’t think that you’ll change categories the more indispensible to her you become. She might love you more because of what you do for her, but the type of love won’t change. And mostly, you don’t want it to change anyway. Really, deep down.

Think about the girls you are ‘friends’ or ‘mates’ with who you suspect ‘like’ you, but you don’t like them back- that way … because … well … just because.  I rest my case!

I’ve spent my life in relationships of all kinds, as all of us have. Some have been superficial, others deep and meaningful. Some have lasted my whole life, like my relationship with my parents. Others have been brief, ships passing in the night.

It doesn’t matter what the nature, or the depth, or the length of a relationship is. It just matters that we have them. Because we are communal creatures. We were never meant to exist in isolation.

Some of us seem to have a stronger need for relationships than others. I seem to be one of those people who doesn’t need a lot of relationships. But those I do have mean a lot to me.

I am happiest when I’m involved in a creative project. That’s introvert work. I’ve changed over the years. I used to be much more of an extrovert. For any of you who don’t know what the real difference is between those two is, I’ll explain: an introvert gets his/her energy from being alone; an extrovert gets his/her energy from being with people.

Most of us are not one or the other, but exist on a continuum that moves backward and forward along the line between the extremes. If we’re sick or hurt, we’ll move toward the introvert end of the spectrum. If we’re happy and confident we’re more likely to move toward the extrovert end.

But it isn’t a measure of happiness.Don’t get me wrong. Just because we become more introverted when unhappy doesn’t mean that introverts aren’t happy. That’s not the case at all. If you’re naturally introverted then you will be happiest when you are allowed to be alone doing your thing.

And just because you’re out and about mixing and mingling doesn’t mean an extrovert is happy. They may be energised but totally miserable.

Anway, I’ve digressed. But I guess that’s what reflecting is all about. Digression.

What I was talking about was that I seem to have changed over the years. I seem to be much more introverted than I was when I was younger. And I don’t know why. Was this my natural maturation process? Or have I just become so sensitive to other people’s energy that I just prefer to protect myself from it by keeping my distance?

Hope that’s not too New Agey for you. You will get that with me, I’m afraid. It’s how I experience life. If I wanted to look at my astrology chart I could see why I have this inner perspective. Why I’m so fascinated by what happens inside people more than what happens outside.

That’s why I like shy man. They always make me want to know what’s going on inside. And I know I’m not alone with this feeling. I’ve heard a lot of deep women talk the same way.

Most people tend to think that ‘what they see is what they get’ with me. Because I’m very out-going and confident when I’m with people (until my batteries run flat and I have to go recharge on my own). And to a certain point that’s probably true. But there is a heck of a lot that goes on beneath the surface with me.

And when I think about it, some shy guys aren’t a lot more than ‘what you see is what you get’. You think that because you can’t see what’s beneath the surface, there must be a lot going on there. And when you explore for a bit you find that, no, there isn’t. They are fairly superficial. That’s not an insult. It’s not a good thing to be deep and a bad thing not to be. But I’m into deep and so I need people who are deep too.

Sometimes I think that maybe I also need shallow as well, just so I don’t get too intense all the time. But shallow doesn’t cut it with me for long. Nice place to visit but it ain’t home.

I tend to think that if you’re reading this, then you’re a shy guy who’s not shallow. Actually, after some of the research I’ve been doing lately, I’m discovering that there are probably a lot less superficial shy guys than superficial out-going guys. Research seems to indicate that it’s the very depths of our sensitivity that tends to make people prone to shyness. And intelligence is also a factor. No brain no pain, is turning out to be truer than we probably all thought it was.

But I’m not shy anymore. Well, rarely. I’ve worked very hard over a lot of years to ‘cure’ myself. But maybe the energy it takes to be ‘out there’, confident and bubbly, is the reason my energy depletes so quickly. Maybe I’m a deep sea diver and going into water is something I can do, and feel comfortable doing, but it’s not my natural habitat, so I have to come up for air- sooner or later.

Hmmm…interesting.